D&D Quotes: Behold the Candy Cane of Doom!

Found some old quotes today that my group had compiled from our gaming adventures in middle school and high school. This was a pseudo homebrew system since we were too young back then to understand how to play real D&D so some of the quotes probably won't make a whole lot of sense if you're trying to understand them from the D&D 3.5 standpoint. Enjoy!

Konar the Dwarf: Pelor? What kind of a dumb ass name is that?

Konar: What do you know about the thefts?
Sketchy Citizen: There haven't been any deaths...
Konar: I said thefts.
Sketchy Citizen: Oh... of course...

DM: Ok, you're at the gem store.
Serenla the Elf: Can I break into it?
DM: ... You can try.

Konar: I wait for a point when the guard isn't looking and try to climb up the wall.
DM: He notices and says "what the hell are you doing!?"
Konar: I say "I'm looking for cracks... just to make sure it wont collapse cause there was a lightning storm earlier. I got hit by lightning" (referring to a punishment by Pelor)
DM: He walks over and pushes a button on the wall.
Konar: I run.

Konar: I take a nap.
DM: Where?
Konar: In the middle of the street.
Serenla: If I find you dead I'm going to laugh.

DM: Konar it's your turn.
Konar: I'm still sleeping.
DM: You wake up in a jail cell, Serenla you're turn.
Konar: Wait-- What?

Jom the Bard: Have you seen any dwarves around?
Guard: We arrested one earlier.
Jom: Where is he?
Guard: In....jail...?

Konar: Isn't it customary to have a trial first?
Guard: Uh... no.
Konar: Is the mayor here? I want to speak with him.
Guard: He's at the mayor's office.
Konar: Could you please bring him here?
Guard: The mayor will not take time out of his day to talk with convicts.
Konar: Well, can I talk with someone who can get me out of here?
Guard: No! Why don't you take a nap and eat your glop.
Konar: Cause I don't like glop!

Serenla: What the hell did you do this time, to get in jail?
Konar: I tried to get into the civilian area without permission.
Serenla: Why?
Konar: I just wanted to ask a few people if they had seen my wife, is that a crime?
DM: Well apparently, since you're in jail...

Jom: Could you let one of my friends out of jail?
Mayor: What's he in jail for?
Jom: He tried to break into the civilian area looking for his wife.
Mayor: Does his wife live in the civilian area?
Jom: No, she's missing.
Mayor: And why would he think she's in the civilian area?
Jom: He's crazy; he's gone crazy with grief.
Konar: It happens to the best of us.

Mayor: If you play a song for us we'll lower the bail to....
Konar (imprisoned): 10 gold.
Mayor: 30 gold, just because Konar said that.
Serenla and Jom: Argh!

This one takes a little backstory. There had been some thefts in town, and a small band of Drow happened to enter the town at about the same time. Back in those days we didn't really understand the concept of Drow being evil and eating babies. They were sketch though, so the party decided it would be best to interrogate them.

They weren't very subtle...

Konar: Do you know anything about the gems that have recently been stolen?
Drow: We know they've been stolen...
Konar: Do you know anything more then anyone else?
Drow: Of course not... how would we?
Konar: Just asking around...
Serenla: Have you heard of the caravan up north?
Drow: We heard it was highjacked.
Serenla: Do you know if there were any survivors?
Drow: How would we know?
Konar: Because your Drow.
Drow: And...?
Konar: Uhhh... your smart?

Konar thought it would be a good idea to try and get a discount at the inn by pretending the other inn in town was only half as expensive....

Konar: In the other tavern I can get a room for 10 gold, wy should I pay 15 here?
Innkeep: Since when did they change it from 20 to 10?
Konar: Well... That's what he told me.
Innkeep: I guess you're not interested in our discount then?
Konar: Excuse me a moment...
Innkeep: That'll be 20 gold.

Jom: I get up and get dressed.
DM: You're naked?
Jom: No! I get ready for the day.
Serenla (chanting): I'm a married spud, I'm a married spud...

Konar (to bartender): Would you like anyone... killed for 25 gold?
DM: The bartender pulls a little string above the counter.
Konar: I run.

Konar: Is he Dead?
DM: I'm not telling you.
Konar: I check his pulse (a vampire).

Serenla: I'll pay a certain amount
DM: Did you just say you'll pay a shirt and a mount?

DM: You are the Metagaming King! All other metagamers bow down to you as their leader! All hail the Metagaming King!

DM: A paladin of Cupid? Avast ye evil foes, I shall smite you with my happy goodness! Behold the Candy Cane of Doom! I smite you!

Famous Last Words

Konar: I drink the potion (unidentified potion of liquid blade)
Konar: I kiss her (a succubus)
Pat: Kord? Sounds like a stupid god to me. (Kerrrrrrsmite!)

Famous Should Have Been Last Words

Oskar: I touch the silver floating orb
(Said by many): I disbelieve in the bad guy and walk through them!
Unknown: He raised how many elementals?

Ah... those were the good ole days...