"You find a magical spoon."
"Wait. Are you serious?"
"What does it look like?"
*DM checks in the book.*
"An unremarkable eating utensil fashioned from horn."
"How... unremarkable. I cast Identify."
If the spoon is placed in an empty container the vessel fills with a thick, pasty gruel. Although this substance has a flavor similar to that of warm, wet cardboard, it is highly nourishing and contains everything necessary to sustain any herbivorous, omnivorous, or carnivorous creature. The spoon can produce sufficient gruel each day to feed up to four humans."Wow."
Anyways, my favorite item has ALWAYS been, the Robe of Useful Items. I mean, first off, it's a robe. So... no one wearing armor can use it. Secondly, it's full to the brimming with useful items. That you can use once. 16 - 28 useful items to be exact. I'm a particular fan of the fact that you could potentially pull a mule, a rowboat, and a window all out of this robe. Yes, you can pull a window out of the robe. I guess you can put it in a dungeon wall... right next to the pit and iron door...
So, to share my joy of this item, I wanted to drop it in one of my first level campaigns. I couldn't however, since it apparently has a 7,000 gp market value. I --- I don't even... 7,000... what in holy hell were they.... *sigh* Moving on.
So, lo and behold, I crafted the Robe of Useless Items.
This appears to be an unremarkable robe, but a character who dons it notes that not only is it adorned with small cloth patches of various shapes, but it makes them look fat. Only the wearer of the robe can see these patches, and see that the robe makes them look fat. The wearer of the robe may detach the patches, though they will be too concerned with how fat they look in the robe to recognize what the patches will turn into until they have been removed.
A robe has both lesser patches, and greater patches. The wearer may detach one lesser patch every round and may remove as many such patches daily as they like. The wearer may detach one greater patch daily. Detaching a patch causes it to become an actual item, as indicated below. The items remain in existence for six hours before vanishing. Once removed, a patch cannot be replaced. Once a patch's item vanishes, it cannot be retrieved and another patch does not take it's place.
A newly created robe of useless items always has two each of the following lesser patches:
* Dagger Hilt
* Bullseye lantern (empty and extinguished)
* Mirror Frame (capable of holding a highly polished 2'x4' steel mirror)
* Pole (10-inch length)
* Hempen soap (smells like feet)
* Snack (tastes like feet)
In addition, the robe has several greater patches. Roll 4d4 for the number of greater patches and then roll for each patch on the table below to determine its nature.
01-10% - Bag of 100 Gold Chocolate Pieces (melted)
11-20% - Mug of coffee (decaf)
21-30% - Door, straw (up to 10'x10', highly flammable)
31-40% - Gem Pop (as ring pop, grape flavored)
41-50% - Potion of Cure Minor Papercut
51-60% - Rowboat (hole in bottom)
61-70% - Portable Ram (deceased)
71-80% - Elixir of Unrequited Love
81-90% - Boot of Jumping (only one, use leaves wearer prone 5' to the left)
91-00% - Half of Mordenkainen's Amulet (grants immortality if joined with 2nd half)
Now I need YOUR HELP! I want to craft this fun little item into a great artifact of epic proportions, but to do that, I need a lot more uselessness! What useless items do you think we should add in order to form the Greater Robe of Useless Items? Comment with your ideas!